How to Win Friends & Influence People

[How This Book was written - and Why]

- This book wasn't written in the usual sense of the word. It grew as a child grows. It grew and developed out of that laboratory, out of the experiences of thousands of adults. 

- The rules we have set down here are not mere theories or guesswork. They work like magic. Incredible as it sounds, I have seen the application of these principles literally revolutionize the lives of many people. 

 

[ Part One - Fundamental Techniques in Handling People ] 

I. "If You Want to Gather Honey, Don't Kick Over the Beehive"

- I personally had to blunder through this old world for a third of a century before it even began to dawn upon me that ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don't criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be. 

  Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. 

- Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others - yes, and a lot less dangerous. "Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof," said Confucius, "when your own doorstep is unclean."

- Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympahty, tolerance and kindness. "To know all is to forgive all." 

Principle 1 - Don't criticize, condemn or complain. 

 

II. The Big Secret of Dealing with People

- There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it. Remember, there is no other way. 

......

The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want. 

 

- What do you want? Not many things, but the few things that you do wish, you crave with an insistence that will not be denied. Some of the things most people want include: 

   1. Health and the preservation of life.

   2. Food

   3. Sleep.

   4. Money and the things money will buy. 

   5. Life in the hereafter. 

   6. Sexual gratification

   7. The well-being of our children.

   8. A feeling of importance. 

 

Almost all these wants are usually gratified - all except one. But there is one longing - almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep - which is seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls "the desire to be great." It is what Dewey calls the "desire to be important."

 

- Lincoln once began a letter saying; "Everybody likes a compliment." William James said: "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." He didn't speak, mind you, of the "wish" or the "desire" or the "longing" to be appreciated. He said the "craving" to be appreciated.

- The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals.

 

- Words that will all but transform your life and mine if we will only live them:

"I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people," said Schwab, "the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement." "There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise."

 

- The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned. 

 

- Emerson said: "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."
If that was true of Emerson, isn't it likely to be a thousand times more true of you and me? Let's cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let's try to figure out the other person's good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise," and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime - repeat them years after you have forgotten them. 

 

Principle 2 - Give honest and sincere appreciation.

 

III. "He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way."

- The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. 

- Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something. 

- Arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way. 

- If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own. 

- Here is one way of revising the letter. It may not be the best way, but isn't it an improvement?

"Dear Mr. Vermylen:

   Your company has been one of our good customers for fourteen years. Naturally, we are very grateful for your patronage and are eager to give you the speedy, efficient service you deserve. However, we regret to say that it isn't possible for us to do that when your trucks bring us a large shipment late in the afternoon, as they did on November 10. Why? Because many other customers make late afternoon deliveries also. Naturally, that causes congestion. That means your trucks are held up unavoidably at the pier and sometimes even your freight is delayed. 

   That's bad, but it can be avoided. If you make your deliveries at the pier in the morning when possible, your trucks will be able to keep moving, your freight will get immediate attention, and our workers will get home early at night to enjoy a dinner of the delicious macaroni and noodles that you manufacture. 

   Regardless of when your shipments arrive, we shall always cheerfully do all in our power to serve you promptly. 
   You are busy. Please don't trouble to answer this note."

- He was not interested in helping me. He was interested only in helping himself. 

- "People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them."

- "What does that boy want? How can I tie up what I want to what he wants?"

 

Principle 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want. 

 

 

[ Part Two - Six Ways to Make People Like You ]

I. Do this and You'll be welcome anywhere

- Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn't have to work for a living?

- You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. 

- I am grateful because these people come to see me. They make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way. I'm going to give them the very best I possibly can.

- All of us, be we workers in a factory, clerks in an office or even a king upon his throne - all of us like people who admire us. 

- If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness. 

 

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people. 

 

II. A simple way to make a good first impression

- She didn't realize what everyone knows: namely, that the expression one wears on one's face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one's back. 

- For Schwab's personality, his charm, his ability to make people like him, were almost wholly responsible for his extraordinary success; and one of the most delightful factors in his personality was his captivating smile.

- Action speak louder than words, and a smile says, "I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you."

 

- ** You don't feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. Here is the way the psychologist and philosopher William James put it: 
   "Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not. 

Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there ... "

   Everybody in the world is seeking happiness - and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. 

   It isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. 

- A man without a smiling face must not open a shop. 

 

Principle 2: Smile

 

 

III. If you don't do this, you are headed for trouble. 

 

Principle 3: Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. 

 

 

IV. An Easy Way to become a good conversationalist

- And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had been merely a good listener and had encouraged him to talk. 

- The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener - a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system. 

- Lincoln hadn't wanted advice. He had wanted merely a friendly, sympathetic listener to whom he could unburden himself. That's what we all want when we are in trouble. That is frequently all the irritated customer wants, and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend. 

- So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. 

  Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.  

 

Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. 

 

 

V. How to Interest People

- Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested. 

  For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. 

 

Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person's interests. 

 

 

VI. How to Make People Like You Instantly

- "I am going to try to make that clerk like me. Obviously, to make him like me, I must say something nice, not about myself, but about him." So I asked myself, "What is there about him that I can honestly admire?"

- If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can't radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return - if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve. 

- There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. John Dewey. as we have already noted, said that the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William James said: "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." As I have already pointed out, it is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself. 

 

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

 

 

[ Part Three - How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking ]

 

I. You Can't Win an Argument

-  We were guests at a festive occasion, my dear Dale. Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn't ask for your opinion. He didn't want it. Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle. ... How much better it would have been had I not become argumentative. 

-  You can't win an argument. You can't because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."

-  As wise old Ben Franklin used to say: "If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent's good will. 

-  You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument; but as far as changing another's mind is concerned, you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong. 

-  Buddha said: "Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love," and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person's viewpoint. 

 

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. 

 

 

II. A Sure way of making enemies - and How to avoid it. 

-  You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words - and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds. You may then hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or an Immanuel Kant, but you will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings. 

-  If you are going to prove anything, don't let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it. This was expressed succinctly by Alexander Pope: "Men must be taught as if you taught them not and things unknown proposed as things forgot." Over three hundred years ago Galileo said: "You cannot teach a man anything: you can only help him to find it within himself." As Lord Chesterfield said to his son: "Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so." 

-  Socrates said repeatedly to his followers in Athens: "One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing."

Well, I can't hope to be any smarter than Socrates, so I have quit telling people they are wrong. And I find that it pays. 

-  You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong. 

-  "I made it a rule," said Franklin, "to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiment of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix'd opinion, such as 'certainly,' 'undoubtedly,' etc., and I adopted, instead of them, 'I conceive,' 'I apprehend,' or 'I imagine' a thing to be so or so, or 'it so appears to me at present.' When another asserted something that I thought an error, I deny'd myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition: and in answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appear'd or seem'd to me some difference, etc. I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction; I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right. 

-  Two thousand years ago, Jesus said: "Agree with thine adversary quickly." And 2,200 years before Christ was born, King Akhtoi of Egypt gave his son some shrewd advice - advice that is sorely needed today. "Be diplomatic," counseled the King. "It will help you gain your point." 

-  In other words, don't argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don't tell them they are wrong, don't get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy. 

 

Principle 2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."