How to Win Friends & Influence People

[How This Book was written - and Why]

- This book wasn't written in the usual sense of the word. It grew as a child grows. It grew and developed out of that laboratory, out of the experiences of thousands of adults. 

- The rules we have set down here are not mere theories or guesswork. They work like magic. Incredible as it sounds, I have seen the application of these principles literally revolutionize the lives of many people. 

 

[ Part One - Fundamental Techniques in Handling People ] 

I. "If You Want to Gather Honey, Don't Kick Over the Beehive"

- I personally had to blunder through this old world for a third of a century before it even began to dawn upon me that ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don't criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be. 

  Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. 

- Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others - yes, and a lot less dangerous. "Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof," said Confucius, "when your own doorstep is unclean."

- Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympahty, tolerance and kindness. "To know all is to forgive all." 

Principle 1 - Don't criticize, condemn or complain. 

 

II. The Big Secret of Dealing with People

- There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it. Remember, there is no other way. 

......

The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want. 

 

- What do you want? Not many things, but the few things that you do wish, you crave with an insistence that will not be denied. Some of the things most people want include: 

   1. Health and the preservation of life.

   2. Food

   3. Sleep.

   4. Money and the things money will buy. 

   5. Life in the hereafter. 

   6. Sexual gratification

   7. The well-being of our children.

   8. A feeling of importance. 

 

Almost all these wants are usually gratified - all except one. But there is one longing - almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep - which is seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls "the desire to be great." It is what Dewey calls the "desire to be important."

 

- Lincoln once began a letter saying; "Everybody likes a compliment." William James said: "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." He didn't speak, mind you, of the "wish" or the "desire" or the "longing" to be appreciated. He said the "craving" to be appreciated.

- The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals.

 

- Words that will all but transform your life and mine if we will only live them:

"I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people," said Schwab, "the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement." "There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise."

 

- The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned. 

 

- Emerson said: "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."
If that was true of Emerson, isn't it likely to be a thousand times more true of you and me? Let's cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let's try to figure out the other person's good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise," and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime - repeat them years after you have forgotten them. 

 

Principle 2 - Give honest and sincere appreciation.

 

III. "He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way."

- The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. 

- Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something. 

- Arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way. 

- If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own. 

- Here is one way of revising the letter. It may not be the best way, but isn't it an improvement?

"Dear Mr. Vermylen:

   Your company has been one of our good customers for fourteen years. Naturally, we are very grateful for your patronage and are eager to give you the speedy, efficient service you deserve. However, we regret to say that it isn't possible for us to do that when your trucks bring us a large shipment late in the afternoon, as they did on November 10. Why? Because many other customers make late afternoon deliveries also. Naturally, that causes congestion. That means your trucks are held up unavoidably at the pier and sometimes even your freight is delayed. 

   That's bad, but it can be avoided. If you make your deliveries at the pier in the morning when possible, your trucks will be able to keep moving, your freight will get immediate attention, and our workers will get home early at night to enjoy a dinner of the delicious macaroni and noodles that you manufacture. 

   Regardless of when your shipments arrive, we shall always cheerfully do all in our power to serve you promptly. 
   You are busy. Please don't trouble to answer this note."

- He was not interested in helping me. He was interested only in helping himself. 

- "People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them."

- "What does that boy want? How can I tie up what I want to what he wants?"

 

Principle 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want. 

 

 

[ Part Two - Six Ways to Make People Like You ]

I. Do this and You'll be welcome anywhere

- Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn't have to work for a living?

- You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. 

- I am grateful because these people come to see me. They make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way. I'm going to give them the very best I possibly can.

- All of us, be we workers in a factory, clerks in an office or even a king upon his throne - all of us like people who admire us. 

- If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness. 

 

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people. 

 

II. A simple way to make a good first impression

- She didn't realize what everyone knows: namely, that the expression one wears on one's face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one's back. 

- For Schwab's personality, his charm, his ability to make people like him, were almost wholly responsible for his extraordinary success; and one of the most delightful factors in his personality was his captivating smile.

- Action speak louder than words, and a smile says, "I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you."

 

- ** You don't feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. Here is the way the psychologist and philosopher William James put it: 
   "Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not. 

Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there ... "

   Everybody in the world is seeking happiness - and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. 

   It isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. 

- A man without a smiling face must not open a shop. 

 

Principle 2: Smile

 

 

III. If you don't do this, you are headed for trouble. 

 

Principle 3: Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. 

 

 

IV. An Easy Way to become a good conversationalist

- And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had been merely a good listener and had encouraged him to talk. 

- The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener - a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system. 

- Lincoln hadn't wanted advice. He had wanted merely a friendly, sympathetic listener to whom he could unburden himself. That's what we all want when we are in trouble. That is frequently all the irritated customer wants, and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend. 

- So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. 

  Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.  

 

Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. 

 

 

V. How to Interest People

- Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested. 

  For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. 

 

Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person's interests. 

 

 

VI. How to Make People Like You Instantly

- "I am going to try to make that clerk like me. Obviously, to make him like me, I must say something nice, not about myself, but about him." So I asked myself, "What is there about him that I can honestly admire?"

- If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can't radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return - if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve. 

- There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. John Dewey. as we have already noted, said that the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William James said: "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." As I have already pointed out, it is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself. 

 

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

 

 

[ Part Three - How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking ]

 

I. You Can't Win an Argument

-  We were guests at a festive occasion, my dear Dale. Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn't ask for your opinion. He didn't want it. Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle. ... How much better it would have been had I not become argumentative. 

-  You can't win an argument. You can't because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."

-  As wise old Ben Franklin used to say: "If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent's good will. 

-  You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument; but as far as changing another's mind is concerned, you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong. 

-  Buddha said: "Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love," and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person's viewpoint. 

 

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. 

 

 

II. A Sure way of making enemies - and How to avoid it. 

-  You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words - and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds. You may then hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or an Immanuel Kant, but you will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings. 

-  If you are going to prove anything, don't let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it. This was expressed succinctly by Alexander Pope: "Men must be taught as if you taught them not and things unknown proposed as things forgot." Over three hundred years ago Galileo said: "You cannot teach a man anything: you can only help him to find it within himself." As Lord Chesterfield said to his son: "Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so." 

-  Socrates said repeatedly to his followers in Athens: "One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing."

Well, I can't hope to be any smarter than Socrates, so I have quit telling people they are wrong. And I find that it pays. 

-  You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong. 

-  "I made it a rule," said Franklin, "to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiment of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix'd opinion, such as 'certainly,' 'undoubtedly,' etc., and I adopted, instead of them, 'I conceive,' 'I apprehend,' or 'I imagine' a thing to be so or so, or 'it so appears to me at present.' When another asserted something that I thought an error, I deny'd myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition: and in answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appear'd or seem'd to me some difference, etc. I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction; I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right. 

-  Two thousand years ago, Jesus said: "Agree with thine adversary quickly." And 2,200 years before Christ was born, King Akhtoi of Egypt gave his son some shrewd advice - advice that is sorely needed today. "Be diplomatic," counseled the King. "It will help you gain your point." 

-  In other words, don't argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don't tell them they are wrong, don't get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy. 

 

Principle 2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong." 

 

 

III. If You're Wrong, Admit it.

 

-  That policeman, being human, wanted a feeling of importance; so when I began to condemn myself, the only way he could nourish his self-esteem was to take the magnanimous attitude of showing mercy. 

-  If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn't it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn't it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips? 

   Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say - and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized just as the mounted policeman did with me and Rex. 

-  Remember the old proverb: "By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected."

 

Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. 

 

IV. A Drop of Honey

- "If you come at me with your fists doubled," said Woodrow Wilson, "I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, 'Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are,' we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together."

- This friendliness on Mr. Black's part did what friendliness always does: it begot friendliness. 

- The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.

 

Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way. 

 

V. The Secret of Socrates

- In talking with people, don't begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing - and keep on emphasizing - the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. 

 Get the other person saying "Yes, yes" at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying "No."

- Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it. Hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started in the affirmative direction. 

- I found that by getting him to say 'yes, yes' from the outset, he forgot the issue at stake and was happy to do all the things I suggested. 

- It took me years and cost me countless thousands of dollars in lost business before I finally learned that it doesn't pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person's viewpoint and try to get that person saying "yes, yes.".

- The Chinese have a proverb pregnant with the age-old wisdom of the Orient: "He who treads softly goes far."

 

Principle 5: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.

 

VI. The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints

- Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things. 

  If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don't. It is dangerous. They won't pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully. 

- If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you. 

Why is that true? Because when our friends excel us, they feel important; but when we excel them, they - or at least some of them - will feel inferior and envious. 

- They also had things to boast about and were more excited about telling me about their accomplishments than about listening to my boasting. Now, when we have some time to chat, I ask them to share their joys with me, and I only mention my achievements when they ask. 

 

Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. 

 

 

VII. How to Get Cooperation

- Don't you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn't it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn't it wiser to make suggestions - and let the other person think out the conclusion? 

- Twenty-five centuries ago, Lao-tse, a Chinese sage, said some things that readers of this book might use today:

"The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury." 

 

Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. 

 

VIII. A Formula that will work wonders for you

- "Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way! Then, along with Lincoln and Roosevelt, you will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships; namely, that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person's viewpoint. 

- I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person's office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person - from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives - was likely to answer. 

- If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing - an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person's point of view, and see things from that person's angle as well as your own - if you get only that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping-stones of your career. 

 

Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. 

 

IX. What Everybody Wants

- Wouldn't you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively? 

   Yes? All right. Here it is: "I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do."

- Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you. 

- Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. 'Self-pity' for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice."

 

Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires. 

 

X. An Appeal that Everybody Likes

- As I sat here and listened to your side of the story, I could not help being impressed by your fairness nad patience. And now, because you are fair-minded and patient, I am going to ask you to do something for me. It's something that you can do better than anyone else, something you know more about than anyone else. Here is your bill; I know it is safe for me to ask you to adjust it, just as you would do if you were the president of my company. I am going to leave it all up to you. Whatever you say goes.

  Did he adjust the bill? He certainly did, and got quite a kick out of it. The bills ranged from $150 to $400 - but did the customer give himself the best of it? Yes, one of them did! One of them refused to pay a penny of the disputed charge; but the other five all gave the company the best of it! And here's the cream of the whole thing: we delivered new cars to all six of these customers within the next two years!

 

- Experience has taught me that when no information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced they are correct. To put it differently and perhaps more clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The exceptions to that rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced that the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair. 

 

Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives. 

 

XI. The Movies do it. TV does it. Why don't you do it?